Lex Smith –
88% Accurate Horoscope
Aries: By now your pumpkins are old and gross. Trade them in for pies!
Taurus: You will find yourself craving things with peanut butter in/on it.
Gemini: The Wi-Fi fairies are feeling generous toward you.
Cancer: When you do that stupid thing you’ve been thinking about doing, do it with style.
Leo: Loud noises come from your room. Try to keep them muffled next time.
Virgo: Did you try setting it to wumbo?
Libra: Somebody back home misses you.
Scorpio: Wash your sheets you skank.
Sagittarius: Remember, being ‘cool’ doesn’t mean walking around in shorts and a t-shirt when it’s only 20 degrees outside.
Capricorn: Are you ever going to eat that?
Aquarius: The internet says you have a smart brain. We all know the internet doesn’t lie.
Pisces: Everybody knows Pisces ain’t cool unless they pee their pants.
Lex Smith, from Beardstown, Illinois, is a junior majoring in physics and chemistry. Lex is the treasurer and official horoscope-creator of The Rambler.