Dylan Howard –
Denim Shorts: Ruining Family Pictures Since 1955.
Allow me to paint you a picture. This last summer I was being a productive member of society and shopping at our local JCPenney. Suddenly, from the corner of my eye I saw what I thought was a rejected character from “The Wiggles.” Standing before me was a man who must have just finished a Goodwill shopping spree. He was sporting a dragon-themed button up shirt, a tie with sailboats on it, frayed denim shorts, knee high white socks, and the ensemble was made truly memorable with his slip-on Crocs.
I kept waiting for Leonardo DiCaprio to give me a “kick” and wake me up from this dream…but no such luck. This was no dream, this was no nightmare, this man actually existed. Of all the atrocities and crimes against humanity that this Willy Wonka wannabe committed, there is one particular article of clothing that I wish to dwell on: His thigh-high, worn-out, going-to-rip-if-he-squats-down, denim shorts.
Buckle up folks, it’s about to get real.
Denim shorts, jean shorts, jorts, whatever you want to call them, are an abomination to society, and should be viewed by men in their 20’s and 30’s as Ebola or Leprosy… just stay as far away as possible. Or at least, if you have to be around them, wear a hazmat suit. Don’t get me wrong, if you’re under ten years old, you can wear denim shorts. If you’re over forty years old, you can wear denim shorts. But if you fall anywhere between these age restrictions and wear denim shorts, I believe a serious argument can be made for jail time as a punishment.
Gentlemen, jorts are just so incredibly ugly. I’m pretty sure that when we’re waterboarding prisoners in Guantanamo Bay, we don’t allow them to wear jorts because that would be cruel and unusual punishment. Fellas, if you think you’re doing it for the ladies…you aren’t, I promise you. After a highly sophisticated and scientific research poll done here at IC where I asked ten women “Should men wear denim shorts?”, I found that zero women said “yes.” By the transitive property, this of course means that there are no women on the planet that approve of men wearing jorts.
Please allocate your denim shorts fund to something more valuable like some nice flat front shorts that fall just above the knee, or some Sperry’s, or some cinder blocks so you can finally start building your zombie apocalypse shelter. Oh, or charity, I guess that would be acceptable as well.
There are a few reasons why I’m excited for this upcoming winter: Christmas break, Santa hopefully getting me a PS4, and the fact that I’ll have six glorious months until my eyes are forced to behold the unfortunate sight of men in denim shorts.
My name is Dylan, and this has been my rant.