100% Parodied Horoscope
Aries: Forget the thanksgiving turkey. Eat some boiled goose.
Taurus: You’ll be confronted with a dangerous situation. YOLO (You Oughta Look Out)
Gemini: You have to weather this cold weather whether you like it or not.
Cancer: Life is too complicated. Go to some place plain and simple for a while, like an amish paradise.
Leo: Its cold out and you don’t look gangster enough. You need to get yourself a sweater on turtle with a neck on puff.
Virgo: Don’t forget to add boats and hoes to your christmas list.
Libra: You’re feeling dangerous, like a fire in a nursing home.
Scorpio: If you multiply Santa Claus by i, does that make him real?
Sagittarius: Oh, your birthday is coming up? Say happy birthday to the ground!
Capricorn: Remember, it’s all about the pentiums baby.
Aquarius: Your life will be just regular everyday normal. Nothing special about you.
Pisces: If you don’t understand any of these references, you need to consider what you are doing wrong with your life.
Lex Smith, from Beardstown, Illinois, is a junior majoring in physics and chemistry. Lex is the treasurer and official horoscope-creator of The Rambler.