THE RAMBLER RANT: Born in the ‘30s? Get off the Road

Dylan Howard –

Born in the ‘30s? Get off the Road

So, I almost died the other day.

Yep, at the ripe young age of twenty-one, my life was almost ended by another human being. So who was this murderous, blood-crazed, death monster? You guessed it…an old lady.

No, I wasn’t mugged by Betty White or anything like that but I was almost in a very serious car accident involving myself and a really old lady. Now when I say “old”, I mean old. As in, so old this lady probably never went to a Beatles concert in the 60’s because none of their venues were wheelchair accessible.

Essentially, as I was driving on Morton, this minion of the Grim Reaper pulled out into the road about 20 feet in front of me, causing a terrifying few seconds as I slammed my foot down on the brake pedal.

There was a violent squeal and a thick burning smell as my hotrod of a Ford Taurus came to a screaming hault. My breathing was heavy, my heart was trying to jump out of my chest, my car was thinking about going towards the light–and the lady who almost sealed me inside of a metal casket kept driving like nothing happened.

My theory is she either didn’t see me altogether or her five second memory had already forgotten the experience and her mind was now filled with the question “Where am I and what is this magical box I’m in?”

Then, after driving on Morton for a few blocks she finally decided to turn. Not a big deal, except for the fact she drove over the sidewalk! I couldn’t help but imagine what would have happened if there were a little kid on the corner waiting to cross the street.

Is this experience unique? I’m guessing many of you reading would say no. If you are old enough to remember the ration stamps your family got during World War II, it’s time to retire your car keys. If you had kids in middle school when the game Pong was released, it’s time to sell your Crown Victoria. If you remember when someone who charged a quarter per gallon of gas was called a cheapskate, it’s time to consider a more sedentary lifestyle.


I believe that there is a solution to this matter. I think the government should step in on this issue and revoke driver’s licenses from people that fall under these categories. This will rid our roads and highways from people who can hardly remember breakfast, let alone the proper way to drive a 2,000 pound weapon.

As with most government programs, we’ll need a catchy name. I propose we call it  “AARPlease Get Off The Road”. Other rules should be put in place as well. For instance, interstate speed limits should now act as “age limits” as well. If you are over 70 years old and drive on the interstate, you get 10 years of jail time…let’s just call it a life sentence.

It’s time to take a stance on allowing people who are just way too old to be operating a vehicle on our roads! People this old need a driver’s license as much as a daycare center needs Jerry Sandusky as an employee.

I’m Dylan, and that’s my Rambler Rant.


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