Dan Lewis – 42% Accurate Horoscope
Aries: You will watch the new Star Wars trailer way too many times. May the Force be with you.
Taurus: Stop texting that boy and focus on your finals already.
Gemini: You will stumble upon an object from your past. Do not put it in your mouth.
Cancer: Be kind, or else you will be banished to Kansas, the most boring place in the Universe.
Leo: You will come to know the answer to the age old question of 8 year-olds everywhere: “Why?”
Virgo: Hugs, not drugs. Unless that drug is prescribed by a doctor. Or if it’s a vitamin. Or if you’re sick. Wow, there’s a lot of exceptions to this rule!
Libra: You really don’t pull off that hair style, despite what your mom says.
Scorpio: Watch out for sharp things, like sharp cheddar cheese or Sharp brand electronics.
Sagittarius: The booty had you like ________.
Capricorn: Quit trying to get struck by lightning. It will fry your brains, not turn you into a superhero.
Aquarius: Just because you’re an Aquarius doesn’t mean that you can breathe under water. Trust me, I know.
Pisces: Why is a half-tiger half-lion called a liger and not a tion?
Dan Lewis, from Mahomet, Illinois, is a junior majoring in history and political science at Illinois College. Dan is Editor-in-Chief of The Rambler and Student Body Vice-President and serves on multiple student-faculty committees.