The Rambler Rant: A Sugar Free Cookie? Don’t Mind if I Don’t

Dylan Howard –

I love the smell of freshly baked cookies in the evening. Frankly, I love that smell anytime of the day and am rather upset that more people don’t have cookie scented “Scentsy” cubes melting away in their houses.

In fact, I recently found myself in my parents’ kitchen with that sweet aroma of cookies baking in the oven. I waited ever so patiently until the cookie sheet came out of the oven and the 350 degree morsels were evenly spread out looking oh so lonely. I remember looking at the tasty treats and audibly whispering, “We’ll be together soon” as my mother gave the warning “Don’t eat ‘em yet, they’re way too hot.”

Figuring that about two minutes was an adequate period of time for the cookies to cool down from being boiling lava hot to the perfect eating temperature, I broke one in half and threw that chunk into my mouth.

Like any normal person, I anticipated a rush of feel-good endorphins to flood my brain and for my “I want milk” neurons to start firing. But wait…something had gone terribly awry! My jaw was extended outward and my mouth turned down (similar to the face one might get when they drink spoiled juice) as I looked over to my mom who said, “They’re sugar-free! What do ya’ think?!”

I will let your sophisticated and impressive levels of intellect predict what my response was to that question. Truly, sugar-free anything is an abomination that’s pretty much as evil and depressing as living under the rule of a dictator. As a matter of fact, as long as sugar-free desserts were banned, I think I would  rather live under Kim Jong-un’s rule than live in a world where everything was sugar-free. Actually, judging from Kim Jong-un’s physique it’s probably safe to say he doesn’t have a whole lot of sugar-free stuff in his palace anyway.

It isn’t just the horrid taste of sugar-free things that is so heinous, but the entire identity of sugarless desserts. Companies that manufacture such foods disguise them so well, that it’s nearly impossible to tell the difference! Quite frankly, I think that sugar-free oatmeal raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are one of the main reasons that I have trust issues.

The leader of this sugar-free revolution is one very specific and purely evil brand of sweetener. I know you’ve all seen it before, resting presumptuously on Walmart shelves with more self confidence and attitude than one of those little girls from “Dance Moms” at a foster home. I’m of course referring to that disgusting, heathenous, down-right nauseating sweetener Splenda.

For those of you who have never heard of Splenda, good for you (and your taste buds). Essentially, Splenda is like sugar’s annoying half brother. They both share the looks from their hot mom and look pretty much the same. However, Splenda inherited some unfortunate traits from his deadbeat dad such as terrible after-taste, the uncanny ability to ruin an entire dessert, and although there’s no evidence to support this claim…I’m pretty sure Splenda causes cancer.

I’m not saying I don’t understand the reasons behind making things sugar-free, I totally get it. Sweeteners are typically “healthier” than sugar and some people have to be very careful about how much sugar they eat, like people with certain degrees of diabetes.

I’m not a monster and I am of course not suggesting that we leave these people without a way to crave a sweet tooth! All I’m saying is…I’m pretty sure they sell Splenda in Canada.


Dylan Howard, from Jacksonville, Illinois is a sophomore who is (unfortunately) still undecided on a major. I was born young in 1993 and am the fifth of six children. I am on IC’s indoor and outdoor track team and write “The Rambler Rant”! If you want any interviews or autographs, you’ll have to talk to my secretary.


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