The Rambler Rant: Country Music – A Florida Georgia Crime

Dylan Howard –

Well, this semester is about to come to a close. I don’t know about any of you, but I’m already thinking of swimming pools, catching up on my Netflix watching, and figuring out how many extra hours I’ll have to work this summer to pay the text-book fee next year.

Seeing as how we have less than a month left, this will be the last edition of the Rambler released before next fall, which I’m sure is just devastating to most of you. Because of this, I’d like to rant about something so sacred and beloved to many people here at IC that the anger and appaul of reading this will hopefully carry you through the whole summer.

I’d like to give my opinion on the awful, meaningless, nauseating, and pandering genre of music we so affectionately call “country.” I might have to hire Secret Service protection after this one…

Country music is just down right awful.

I find it interesting that the type of music most listened to by the bright intellectuals at IC consists of songs that talk about basically three things: “Rural” life , alcohol (probably because only a drunk person could enjoy the music) and cookie-cutter sappy love songs. This isn’t to say that it’s impossible to find country music with some lyrics that are actually meaningful or poetic…I mean, a dead clock is right twice a day. In general though, most country songs revolve around those three things.

For example, let’s look at the song “How Country Feels” by Randy Houser. No lie, the first time I heard this song I thought it was someone like Weird Al making a parody of country music. I was laughing and smiling at all the satirical jabs the singer was making about the hyperbole and nonsense associated with country music lyrical gibberish. Then I realized it wasn’t a parody…it was an actual country song, and apparently one a lot of people like! I couldn’t believe it. Such lyrics include “Ain’t never heard a rooster crow”, “Never walked barefoot by a river”, “You never rolled in the hay”.

Can you see why I thought it was a song parody? First of all, the things he is bashing this girl for not doing seem like pretty good ideas to me. If you are never around loud birds, walk by raging waters without proper shoes, or roll around in hay, the chances of you getting salmonella, deep lacerations in your feet or drowning, or having severe hay fever reactions are pretty small. Not only that, but it kind of has the feel that this girl should be ashamed of her upbringing because it wasn’t rural enough, like it’s her fault that her parents wanted to have clean water and paved roads.

Also, the main line in the song  “Let me show you how country feels” sounds super creepy.

I think country is so popular amongst college students because that’s usually the kind of music playing in the background as they are getting hammered, I mean…studying. As their brain becomes numb they forget that what they’re hearing usually doesn’t make any sense and is comprised of four guitar chords. Also, these drunken pow-wows  are a feeding ground for creepers. Most people would classify a “creeper” as someone who messages relentlessly on Facebook, watches girls lift from their reflection in the weight room mirrors, and especially someone who dances way to close and with way too many people trying to get numbers from girls way out of his league.

Country music is the haze through which this classless snake slithers to his clueless victim. A creeper staring at you in a classroom…super weird. A creeper dancing all up on you at a country concert…eh, it’s whatever.

I suppose there is a time and a place for country music. Specifically, the time would be anytime after my death and I guess the place would be…Guantanamo. There is one caveat to country music though. “Hurt” by Johnny Cash is definitely a good song. Oh wait, that’s just a cover of a Nine Inch Nails song…nevermind then.

 

Dylan Howard, from Jacksonville, Illinois is a sophomore who is (unfortunately) still undecided on a major. I was born young in 1993 and am the fifth of six children. I am on IC’s indoor and outdoor track team and write “The Rambler Rant”! If you want any interviews or autographs, you’ll have to talk to my secretary.

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