Lady Fortuna –
Aries: Today you will fully understand the meaning of the word “meh.”
Taurus: If they can find water on Mars, you should be able to find a date…right?
Gemini: To see this fortune, please read all 837 pages of our Terms and Conditions.
Cancer: Saying something tastes like chicken tells me nothing.
Leo: Get some exercise. Just because Joe Biden isn’t running doesn’t mean you don’t have to.
Virgo: Your fortune is good luck! Trust me, you’re gonna need it.
Libra: Sorry, just because it’s Diversity Week doesn’t mean that you get to eat French toast every day.
Scorpio: You should really stop procrastinating. You can start working on that tomorrow.
Sagittarius: Why bother saying “Trick or Treat” at the door? It’s obvious you want the candy.
Capricorn: Instead of skipping class, try skipping to class. Much more exciting.
Aquarius: The answer you seek is “yes, it is totally your fault.”
Pisces: Error 404: fortune not found