Dylan Howard –
I hate winter. Winter is definitely the worst season of the year. It’s not even a matter of opinion at this point, it’s just fact. Even Christmas can’t justify the horribleness of these three bitter cold months. If you ever find yourself in a conversation with an eskimo, don’t even try to pretend like your life is hard at all, because while you are out Googling your homework and swiping right on Tinder, he’s out dueling walruses and making sure his new born baby doesn’t become a savory frozen treat for a pack of wolves. There is one thing in particular that is especially deplorable about winter though. It isn’t the freezing cold or the dark and dreary days. It’s not even the general miserableness of having to suffer yet another semester before summer. Nope, it’s how much hideous, gaudy, obnoxious, impractical, camo clothing we have to see.
I can’t exactly recall when camo clothing became a “thing”. I don’t really remember it in middle school or the early part of high school either. I’m pretty sure that in like 2009, everyone saw a video online of someone wearing a camo duct-tape suit to a school dance, and then the craze began. I mean don’t get me wrong, I like wasting my money on ugly clothes too, but I think the Midwest’s obsession with camo stuff is a little out of hand. Now I understand that there is definitely a time and place for camouflage. Specifically, when soldiers are at war, or when someone goes hunting, because as if a high powered rifle, animal calls, and opposable thumbs aren’t a big enough advantage already.
The entire idea behind camouflage is to make a person look similar to the environment that they find themselves in. It’s purpose is for getting a tactical advantage on your enemy, and animals in the wild use it so they won’t be on some predator’s entrée. You might be able to see my confusion when I see camo and bright orange fleece hoodies or a camo and pink backpack. Those don’t exactly blend in with your environment which at this point, is probably textbooks and processed food. Now if you wore a jacket that was made to look like pages from a chemistry book and the McDonald’s dollar menu, that might make you a little harder to detect.
Alright, I get it. People don’t wear camo clothing in public because they are trying to blend in with their surroundings. As far as I can tell, people wear camo stuff because they want to show others just how “country” they are. Ah yes, nothing screams “Look how country I am!” more than $80 dollar camo Sperry’s. Oh, you identify as someone who’s ‘country’? I couldn’t tell with your $100 camo purse and camo steering wheel cover that you use on your brand new, completely spotless, $25,000 dollar truck. I mean you can get some really stupid stuff with camo on it. Such ridiculous items include pens (have you seen where my pens went?), wine glasses (because Mason Jars are for rednecks, right?), and lingerie (Mossy Oak sure does sound sexy doesn’t it?).
The times you wear camo should be limited to when you’re trying to end Bambi’s life, or if you’re taking suppressive fire from enemy combatants. Yes we get it, you grew up in a town with less than 5,000 people. Enough already! Country music and Bud Light is more important to you than the upcoming election. Just remember, camouflage comes from the Italian word “camufarre” which means “to disguise”. So in the spirit of this definition, maybe it’s best if you keep your camo out of sight.
Dylan Howard, from Jacksonville, Illinois is a junior who is majoring in Economics with a minor in Mathematics. Dylan was born very young in 1993 and is the fifth of six children. Dylan is best known for his “Rambler Rant” where he takes trivial arguments way too seriously. If you want any interviews or autographs, you’ll have to contact his secretary.