Dylan Howard –
If you are reading this, I want you to look down at your smartphone. Is the screen small and probably cracked? Can you buy a $8 dollar flash drive with more storage capacity? Is the next model of your phone going to be the exact same thing as what’s in your hand, just way more expensive? If you answered yes to all or any of these questions, I’d bet my bottom dollar that you have an iPhone.
Now don’t get your panties in a bunch. This isn’t an entire article dedicated to hating on the iPhone, because that would be petty. It’s an entire article dedicated to hating on Apple Incorporated (much more mature). I don’t care what anyone says about Apple products, I have dedicated my life to never purchasing an Apple item as long as I live. Unless I end up employed at Guantanamo Bay, in which case I’ll make the inmates try to do any sort of personal customization, or run even a slightly large program with a MacBook. The ungodly frustration and suicidal thoughts will make them sing like songbirds, and we don’t have to waste precious water trying to waterboard information out of them.
I really don’t understand why people buy MacBooks. They are ridiculously expensive, customizable features are absent, and don’t even try to download a game to play. It either isn’t compatible with Mac’s system, or it will make your computer explode. Seriously, show me a $1000 dollar Apple computer and I’ll show you 100 alternative laptops that are cheaper AND better. I guess people buy them because it would look totally lame to sit in a Starbucks with a Dell logo on your computer instead of a half eaten apple logo.
Speaking of apples, I think if Apple’s name wasn’t Apple, I’d be more willing to buy their products. What was their logic behind that name? “Alright everyone, we want to start a brand new, top of the line, high tech company. We’ll need a name that says we’re cool, we take risks, and we dare to be different. I know! How about we name ourselves after the most bland, boring fruit on the planet?” If Apple was called Guava, my room would be littered with Guava machines.
If you want to know how awesome Apple is, ask the Chinese workers that make their products. You can’t ask all of them though, because some workers have committed suicide at the factories. That’s right, there are people who would rather swan dive out of a building than hammer another iPhone together. Don’t worry, Apple responded and took necessary measures to help with the suicides. Did they offer psychiatric help or raise wages? Nope, they just built a net around the factory so the workers could be catapulted back into the building to start building another Apple Watch.
I bet you can count on one hand (whose wrist is hopefully void of an Apple Watch) how many people you’ve seen rocking that uncomfortably small, totally impractical, eyesore of a wrist accessory. Someone in handcuffs looks more fashionable than someone wearing an Apple Watch. Which I guess is appropriate, because having an Apple Watch should be a crime.
I guess there is one good thing about Apple, though. Having the knowledge that someone owns an Apple product should be used by organizations to filter out candidates they don’t want. For example, after a college application asks if you were a foster kid and what race you “identify” as (whatever that means), there should be a question asking if you own an iPhone. If the answer is yes, the application should be automatically terminated. That college obviously doesn’t want that applicant at their esteemed institution of higher education.
Do not fret, my friends. If you have made past transgressions and bought Apple products like the iPhone, your sins can be forgiven. Pay homage to the cell phone deities and buy a new smartphone. Take Note of the fact that the iPhone isn’t the only One on the market, and that there is a Galaxy of other phones that will perform with higher functionality. See what I did there?
Dylan Howard, from Jacksonville, Illinois is a junior who is majoring in Economics with a minor in Mathematics. Dylan was born very young in 1993 and is the fifth of six children. Dylan is best known for his “Rambler Rant” where he takes trivial arguments way too seriously. If you want any interviews or autographs, you’ll have to contact his secretary.