Weight Lifters: Putting the Dumb in Dumbbell

By Dylan Howard

We’ve all seen them before. Tight tank tops, shaker cups, wireless headphones. They walk very confidently around campus with their head on a swivel, making sure other people are looking at them. They keep their hair short to give the appearance of a larger physique, and you’ll probably hear the phrase “Yea I can eat that, it fits into my macros” a couple of times a day. Terms like “BCAA’s” and “pre-workout” are a staple in their vocabulary, and they are the only animal on the planet that enjoys cheese more than actual rats. If you haven’t guessed it already, I’m talking about “gym rats”.

Gym rats, meatheads, weight junkies, whatever you want to call them, need to calm down. I suppose I should start by specifying what I mean when I use the term “gym rat”. If you lift weights six or more times a week, you’re a gym rat. If you have thick stretch marks on your chest or biceps which you desperately try to fix to no avail, you’re a gym rat. If you’re at IHOP and get whole wheat pancakes with sugar-free syrup because regular would put you 100 calories over your daily caloric intake, you’re a gym rat.

Listen fellas, we need to talk about something. If you’re reading this article and you’re a gym rat (which is probably unlikely because this isn’t a ‘Men’s Health’ Magazine or a Bodybuilding.com forum) I have some unfortunate news about your physique. Although I’m sure you lift weights for your own personal reasons about wanting to become stronger, being able to sculpt the frame you desire, etc., I know you also lift weights to impress the ladies (if it works for Chris Hemsworth it should work for you too, right?).  Here’s the thing though, women don’t really like men that are overly muscular, I promise it’s true. Think about it, who really wants to hold hands with someone who has calluses so thick and hard that there’s no distinguishable difference between your palm and a bunch of Legos. Sorry I had to be the one to tell you, just take your creatine and wipe away your tears, it’s going to be alright.

To be honest, the only people who really, truly care about all the muscle gains you’ve been making are other dudes who work out. All you gym rats out there, think of the last person who complimented you on how big you’re getting or how cut you are or asked you questions about how to develop their upper chest and get bigger arms. I’ll bet you my parents’ life savings (well I’m not going to bet mine, that would be crazy) that it was some random guy who also happened to be in the gym. I’ll also bet you felt so cool and knowledgable when you told him to do more incline bench for his chest and to make sure to do plenty of tricep workouts for arm growth, not just biceps.

Enough already with listing off all of the supplements you take and how many calories you eat every day. Let’s be real, no one is really interested in the fact that for breakfast you had an egg white omelet, a bowl of unsweetened oatmeal, and grapefruit. Oh no, if only you could build your resumé by adding the fact that each of your quads is bigger around than your waist. If gym rats spent as much time volunteering or doing charity work as they do reading food labels, Youtubing Mr. Olympia’s workouts, or looking at themselves in the mirror, the world would be a much better place. The only negative outcome would be that Nike’s tank top sales would tank. Pun intended.

Dylan Howard, from Jacksonville, Illinois is a senior who is majoring in Economics with a minor in Mathematics. Dylan was born very young in 1993 and is the fifth of six children. Dylan is best known for his “Rambler Rant” where he takes trivial arguments way too seriously. If you want any interviews or autographs, you’ll have to contact his secretary.

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