If You Like Pumpkin Spice, This Won’t Be Very Nice

By: Dylan Howard

There are a lot awesome things about this fall. The semester is on the downswing, drinking hot chocolate is about to be appropriate again, and as a satirist, the idea of President Trump just makes me giddy with excitement. Fall is truly the best time of year, and there is a lot to appreciate during this season before the bitter and unforgiving cold of winter sets in. However, there is something about fall that has gone too far, and needs to stop. It’s not the band-wagon Cubs fans, it’s not all the Ugg boots (short for ugly and unoriginal), it’s not even the amount of camo clothing I’ve seen on campus (though let’s be real, it would be really easy to ridicule such a thing). It’s the one thing that you find from your bathroom, to the coffee shop, to your cereal cupboard…pumpkin spice.

To be clear, I don’t really have any objections against pumpkins, and why should I? They’re big and colorful, I feel like a professional sculptor when I carve one, and having an inherent hatred towards a fruit would probably be the most illogical and compartmentalised form of discrimination I can think of. However, I think everyone gets just a little too excited about pumpkin spice products. Seriously, you know we’re in trouble when more people are worried about the fact that pumpkin spice lattés won’t be around forever than they are with who wins our upcoming election. Although maybe that’s why Donald Trump has been so popular, because his head kind of looks like a pumpkin.

Not to be stereotypical…on second thought, forget it, to be stereotypical, there’s no better time of year than fall to embrace your inner “basic white girl”. Most of these practices I can handle, namely: wearing flannels, putting highly filtered pictures of trees changing colors on Instagram, looking up (but never actually doing) fall decor projects from Pinterest, etc. But seriously, what is it about pumpkin spice that drives everyone so crazy?

There is way too much stuff you can buy that’s pumpkin spice inspired, such as: candles and Scentsy cubes (the only thing worse than a bad smelling bathroom is a bad smelling bathroom that’s trying to be covered up), cereal (because pumpkin and milk sounds so appetizing), coffee (how’d they squeeze such a big fruit into a small cup?), lotion (nothing says smooth and silky like a rough, bulbous, rigid, hard plant), amongst many other things.

There’s a reason nature only gives us pumpkins for a short period of time, it’s because they aren’t that great. There’s a reason that the Headless Horseman from Sleepy Hollow carried a pumpkin around with him, because they are gross looking and kind of scary. There’s a reason the Spice Girls didn’t have a member named Pumpkin Spice (although now that I think about it, some of you reading weren’t even born when the Spice Girls were popular…man, I’m old).

The next time you plan on posting a picture on Facebook of your pumpkin spice flavored double espresso shot, mocha-capafrappuccino-machiatto-lattè, please don’t. If you have the thought, “Oh my goodness, the sunlight coming through the trees would be the perfect backdrop for a picture of me drinking this pumpkin spice hot chocolate”, think again. When it comes to enjoying this time of year, focus on the things that truly matter like friends, and family, and your schoolwork, not pumpkin spice. Although after everything I’ve said, I bought some pumpkin spice Cheerios, and they’re absolutely delicious.

Dylan Howard, from Jacksonville, Illinois is a senior who is majoring in Economics with a minor in Mathematics. Dylan was born very young in 1993 and is the fifth of six children. Dylan is best known for his “Rambler Rant” where he takes trivial arguments way too seriously. If you want any interviews or autographs, you’ll have to contact his secretary.


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