Rambler Rant: Men With Long Hair

By: Dylan Howard

Gentlemen, there is a list of things in your life that should be long. Things on this list might include the “accomplishments” section on your resumé, the number of action movies you’ve seen, and your, well…your pens of course. Nothing better than having a nice, long pen in your hand as you sign your name on contracts and make millions of dollars for your company. Now if you happen to have a small pen, keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with that. We all know the best pen strokes come from your wrist movement anyway.

Guys, your hair should not be long. Close your eyes and imagine the most successful man you can think of; I bet he has short hair. Now imagine the richest man you can think of; I bet he has short hair, too. Now imagine your favorite musician; Alright, that dude probably has long, greasy hair, but you get my point. If you want to wake up in the morning confident that it’s going to be you making a difference in the world, it’s time to replace that luxurious conditioner and blow dryer with harsh, sulfate rich shampoo, and some hair clippers.  

I want you take a look at the most powerful people in the country, our politicians. Well I guess I should say most powerful people other than Oprah or Katy Perry. Of all the male members of Congress, not a single man in office has what anyone would describe as “short hair,” not one! The only one who is even remotely close is Beto O’Rourke of Texas’ 16th District, and his bangs aren’t even down to his eyebrows. Believe it or not, I literally looked at every single member of Congress for myself to see if that was true. And don’t roll your eyes at me as if to say, “Wow this guy has no life.” I’m sure the adventures and shenanigans you cause on a freezing Wednesday night aren’t much more exciting. Go back to your Netflix and no-chilling.

Think of it, one of the worst insults someone can tell you when it comes to your hair is “You look like Justin Bieber.” Seriously, that would cut right to the core of any man, which is totally weird if you think about it. Having long hair is so easily mocked that referencing a world renowned pop icon who became a millionaire before he could legally enter a bar is actually used as an insult.

If you don’t know if your hair is short enough or not, let me help you. If you can’t see through your bangs, it’s time to cut your hair. If you can have a ten minute conversation with a woman about the pro’s and con’s of the shampoo and conditioner you use, it’s time to cut your hair. If you go to a salon instead of a barber, it’s time to cut your hair.

I think we all can agree that this is a time when we should come together and follow the example of the one and only supreme and fearless leader of this land, our King and Emperor, President Donald Trump. Although looking at his hair and how it’s oriented, I honestly can’t tell if it’s two inches long or twelve inches, though I’m sure he would tell you it’s twelve.


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