By: Dylan Howard
How many times has this happened to you: You’re standing in line at Starbucks and the person in front of you has literally no idea what they’re doing. They look around aimlessly at the chalkboard menu, knowing full well that this place is supposed to sell coffee, yet nothing on the menu actually says the word “coffee”. They start asking all sorts of questions to the barista? Coffee waitress? cashier? Whatever the heck the person behind the counter is called, they start asking a bunch of things they should already know like, “What’s a frappuccino?” or “Does a latte have like…milk in it?”; we’ve all seen that person before. How often in this situation do you think to yourself, “Does this person really need to exist?”. Well I agree…that person, as well as a whole lot of other people, really don’t need to be here.
This world has too many people, plain and simple. How many billions of people does it take before we start to realize this? Now this isn’t just me complaining about too many people using WiFi, or long lines at public bathrooms, although those are definitely problems worth solving. No; this is me saying we need to take immediate action to solve this problem.
Now this will not be an arbitrary process, and you’re reading my article which means you’re obviously an educated and bright individual, so you’ll probably be in the clear. I also realize that talking about reducing the population may sound kind of…Hitler-esque, but hear me out. Just imagine a world with no “rush hour” traffic as you coast down any interstate or inner city road with no cars getting in your way. Imagine never having to be on the phone with a customer service line and hear the words, “Thank you for holding, your call is very important to us. Please remain on the line, and the next available customer service representative will be with you shortly.” My goodness think of how wonderful that would be! Now this will not be an easy process, but I have some ideas to get the ball rolling.
First, we need to incentivise people to stop having kids. Typically, Netflix and other people’s kids do a good enough job of making people not want children. However, I think there should be government intervention in this matter. I propose that instead of giving tax breaks to people who have kids, we should give tax breaks to people who don’t have kids, instead. Let’s be honest, plenty of people would much rather have a big tax return instead of a resource-sucking kid to take care of.
Second, I say that we completely eliminate all speed limits. Whether it’s the interstate, the middle of town, a school zone, I don’t care, you can drive as fast as you want. Granted, car insurance rates will skyrocket, but this will be a short and necessary measure in order to obviously raise the amount of crashes and inevitable population decrease that will result. Oh, and no seat belts. Be honest, you never wear them anyway.
Third, and I think this should be enough regulations to get down to a reasonable population, I propose that we no longer offer any health care to people over the age of 50. If you’re coming into the ER because of a cardiac arrest, traumatic accident, stroke, whatever it is, as long as you’re under 50, only the best and the brightest minds will do everything in their power to make sure that you stay alive. If you’re over 50, you’re simply redirected to the morgue.
Unfortunately, these are the tough decisions that we as a people are going to have to make. However, this will be for the betterment of mankind and society in general. I hope you will all join with me in helping to make sure this planet becomes a better place to live. Let’s all do our part to make sure this world is the best it can be…for those kids that we won’t have.
Dylan Howard, from Jacksonville, Illinois is a senior who is majoring in Economics with a minor in Mathematics. Dylan was born very young in 1993 and is the fifth of six children. Dylan is best known for his “Rambler Rant” where he takes trivial arguments way too seriously. If you want any interviews or autographs, you’ll have to contact his secretary.