Rambler Rave: Overpopulation: So Many Friends!

By: Maria Wittenauer

Have you ever waited in the Starbucks line and wondered why those menus are so darn confusing? They should really explain what things like frappuccinos and lattes are: how should I know? Anyway, in the situation you’re thinking of, you’re probably in a really long line. Some people might think, “I don’t have time for this” or “Why does everyone ask so many questions?” What I see is a lot of opportunities to make a LOT of new friends! The only problem is that some annoying people act like they’re too busy to be friendly, and that’s just no fun at all.

The world has SO many people in it to meet. I mean think about it; if we really tried, every night could be one big sleepover with entirely different group of people. Just think about it. There are so many options. Get excited by the absolutely endless list of people you get to meet every single day. Every day is a new start, a new adventure, a new sleepover. The only problem is that picking your bridesmaids and groomsmen might be really difficult. On the other hand, if a friendship isn’t working out, just walk outside, close your eyes, and make friends with the first person you run into on that crowded sidewalk.

So to keep this going, we need to encourage people to have kids. And more kids. And more kids. And even more kids! Honestly, I think that’s the easiest part of this plan that is going to take the least amount of convincing. Put on that Netflix and get chilling, people. I don’t want to hear excuses.

The next thing we need to do is make things really really extremely safe. Bubble wrap companies, prepare for your business to grow like wildfire. We’re going to bubble wrap everything, I’m talking everything. Doors, desks, chairs, pens, laptops, EVERYTHING. Speed limits? 5 mph. Healthcare? We pay YOU, and mandatory doctor visits are increased to twice per week. We will be taking no chances. Everyone has to have a base level of healthcare training. Minimize every possibility of death. Seatbelts? Everyone has to wear two of them at once, and yes they will be bubble wrapped.

All we really need to do is take care of each other. Yes, there are a lot of us. Is it a problem? Well, yes. But who are we to decide who lives and who dies? There is literally no way that we can decide who is worth more than anyone else and who can and cannot stay on the planet we were all thrown on. So really, just be nice to each other, guys. Talk to somebody in the Starbucks line.

Maria Wittenauer, from Springfield, Illinois, is a junior double-majoring in theatre and communication and rhetorical studies and minoring in English at Illinois College. Maria is a features editor for The Rambler, a consultant at the Writing Center, and a member of Gamma Delta and the IC Women’s Chorale.


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