The Rambler Rant: The Rambler Rant

By: Dylan Howard

Well, this is it folks. This is my last article that will ever be written for Illinois College’s newspaper, The Rambler (that is, assuming I make it through these last few weeks of my senior year and don’t have to come back). Although I’m not going to lie, dropping out and going to clown school has seemed like an awesome alternative the past couple of weeks. Now I realize that a life without my newspaper articles isn’t really a life worth living, but my status as a student at Illinois College is coming to a close. My time at IC has been filled with fun, laughter, new lifelong friends (just kidding, I’m never going to talk to most of you ever again), and some great memories. And debt. A lot of debt. Oh, and I’m pretty sure that the one time I ever ate in the cafeteria gave me IBS.

If you’ve been an avid reader of the Rambler (which I’m sure you have because you are smart, bright intellectuals) then you are aware of a piece that has made it’s way to every edition of the newspaper for the past two years. This piece has brought laughs, sprung controversy and insults on campus and over Facebook, and resulted in death threats on the now-banned app, Yik Yak. That’s right, I’m talking about the phrase that has been coined, “the Rambler Rant”.

This bi-weekly edition to IC’s newspaper is really quite appalling. What kind of message is being sent to the IC community when it allows someone to write disrespectful articles about country music, people who work out, old ladies, Christmas (three times!), and a slew of other sacred topics?

And who can forget the article heard ‘round the world (or at least IC’s campus), when the Rambler Rant caused a campus-wide controversy when it spewed out a heartless, cruel, mean-spirited, judgemental, disrespectful, completely accurate depiction of camouflage clothing and general assumptions about those that wear camo. This one article caused pretty much all classes to halt for a week, horrible things to be said about the article’s author (although I hear he’s really quite the gentleman), and many people protested the article by wearing camo clothes to school. Or at least I think they protested. No one would have seen them if they did.

At this point, I’m pretty sure the Rambler Rant has a lower approval rating than Donald Trump. Heck, it might even have a lower approval rating than ISIS. Think about it. Newspapers are suppose to be a source of, well…news. Rather than actually giving valuable information about world news, politics, or other valuable information, the Rambler Rant has given a sub-par author the platform to shamelessly spout his rhetoric. He claims to do it as a joke with the intention of making people laugh, but the only smile that viewers get is when the article is over.

At long last, the Rambler Rant is coming to a close. Like the ending to a bad book, IC can finally sit back with a sigh of relief knowing that their prestigious newspaper will no longer be tainted with such low-brow material. So for the last time, study hard for your finals, finish out the school year on a good note, and enjoy the rest of your lives, because I will never see any of you ever again. See you at my funeral!

Dylan Howard, from Jacksonville, Illinois is a senior who is majoring in Economics with a minor in Mathematics. Dylan was born very young in 1993 and is the fifth of six children. Dylan is best known for his “Rambler Rant” where he takes trivial arguments way too seriously. If you want any interviews or autographs, you’ll have to contact his secretary.

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